Cotard

by Mountains To Move

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1.
04:09
2.
04:09
3.
4.
01:08
5.
01:48
6.
02:25

credits

released August 26, 2015

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Mountains To Move Antwerp, Belgium

Punk / Emo band - Antwerp, Belgium

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Track Name: Nemesis
To be honest, I’m doing better, but still not that great. I notice this from the reflecting image of my eyes, filled with self-hate. An epiphany of realising life means nothing to me but some setbacks and some hurtful memories that I’ll keep locked inside of me.

I’d be lying if I say everything will be okay, but none of that matters these days.

I consider the future to be an enemy. The nemesis in my own Greek tragedy, in which the hero will cease to exist once he meets his destiny.

Staring at the ground, medicine in my ears. I forgot for a moment how good feeling nothing can actually be. Let me be, can’t you see I prefer social distance over conversations about how good your life has been.

I can see the sun rise in the distance.

Surrounded by a mass I tend to turn my back to. I don’t belong here and never will. And realising this has made my life a goddamn living hell. Each time I’m underwater I try to hold my breath a little bit longer than I did last time, subconsciously hoping that the air in my lungs was less than I had expected it to be.
Track Name: Stay Alive
It’s six a.m. I’m all alone, in the rain, waiting for something to put me out of my misery.
I whisper softly, yet convinced of what I say: “I hate myself more than you could ever know”.

Have you ever had one of those days when you simply don’t feel like living? Welcome to my world on a daily basis. I need a shoulder to lay my head on, I need a heart that could make an attempt to lighten a once burning fire inside my chest.

I merely exist to stay alive.

I simply don’t feel like living for the rest of my life. I’ll just be present, though I will be vacant. I won’t open up to anyone or anything, because what would be the fucking point of that?
Pouring you heart out, tearing the flesh and the skin from your bones, wandering the depths of your mind to find your soul and after all realising that you’ve always been alone.

But I am fine with all of this. I never believed another person had the ability to solve someone else’s problems and be there until the end. I will drink to that and give a toast about how the beauty of life will give us reason to live, but I will always keep one thought in the back on my mind: “I merely exist to stay alive.”

I merely exist to stay alive, but I don’t want to feel like this forever.
Track Name: Saint-Joseph's Burden
This hospital bed seems like your actual home now. We sit in silence instead of sharing nostalgic moments. Your eyes fixed on the wall, and you’re heavily sedated. Are you thinking about death? Or is it just the medication?

Because I don’t know you anymore.

You say goodbye to your son and tell him that he makes you proud. That’s the least you can do ‘cause you never told him this out loud in the past five years when he came to visit every day. But I think we all share some blame. I really hope one day you’ll get to walk away from here. One day you’ll be okay, but I hope you will remember me.

(Because I will remember you)

The pain is too great to deal with and you lie awake most of your nights. Is it comforting to say of me that we’re both dying inside? I didn’t always come up to your every expectation, the only grandson carrying your name, a crumbling foundation.

This bloodline will end with me.

Lately things are moving way too fast . In three months you got from safe at home to almost dead in this hospital. I can’t wrap my head around the idea that each weekly visit could be my last.

I am sorry just know that I love you.
Track Name: Rust Pt. 2
I wish life would give up on me, because I’ve already done her the favour in return.
I’ve given up on life and all she has to offer me.

Anxiety and depression will rule these crashing waves inside my mind.
Help me, I’m drowning.

No hopes, no hearts, no dreams to hold onto.
These uncertainties will tear out the best in me and leave me for dead on these broken streets.
Head down through life, nourished by pessimism and bad genes.
Track Name: Cotard
I lost track of the time again on my way home. Piss drunk and all alone to my newly hired studio. And of course it had to rain. I never felt as alive as I did back then or perhaps it was just the soothing feel of alcohol replacing the blood in my veins.

What am I doing with my life?

I am not who you think I am, nor will I ever try to make you understand why I feel this way besides saying that I’m simply aware of my insignificance.

I will not end my life. Never had the guts to do so.
Coward. Failure. Mistake. I hate you.